Archive | The Lost PowerPoints

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Letter from Wolfers Edition)

Side view of WA MozartOn names (slide one)

Baptized Johannes Chrysostomus Wolfgangus Theophilus Gottlieb) Mozart
That fourth name variously translated to:

  • Amadeus (Latin)
  • Gottlieb (German)
  • Amadeo (Italian)
  • Amadè(French)

On names (slide four)

  • All-in-all, prefer Amadè
  • Close friends and family can call me “Wolfers”
  • YOU can lick my arse!
  • ‘Till it’s clean!

The Amadeus Net - cover image

Papa was a pimp (slide two)

  • And I was the boy mawke, as they say in London.
  • A famous pianist, as you know.
  • Pianist, pianist, pianist!

Papa was a pimp (slide three)

  • And my sister Nannerl, she was a bunter too.
  • A prodigious player of pianii.

Johann Christian Bach (slide four)

  • shown me how to put a lovely surface texture on piano sonata in B-flat
  • plus it sounds good with dramatic farts!

Constanze (slide twelve)

  • Light of my life
  • Puts up with long nights, expense of candles
  • Did I mention her cunny?

Prague (slide two)

  • My Praguers understand me.
  • They liked Don Giovani.
  • And my pizzle-fizzle!

Composing (slide six)

  • Difficult work.
  • Requires rewriting.
  • And a place to shit!

Death (slide two)

  • Would have lived longer without all the bleeding.
  • Oh, and the piss!
Alltop is marginally more foul-mouthed. Inspired by Mozart’s 255th birthday (yesterday). Originally published in January, 2006. Brought to you by The Amadeus Net, which features our caca-mouthed composer .

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Winter Festival Edition)

Sunrise at winterThag presents “Less darky!” (circa 11,564 BC) –> Only slide

  • Shortest day in year
  • Less darky after this
  • More light good
  • Pass mammoth rib please!

Catullus presents “Saturnalia ho!” (circa 69 BC) –> Slide 6

  • gifts
  • gambling
  • tomfoolery (masters serve the slaves, nudge, nudge)
  • public nudity
  • the best of times!

Snagur Snarfasson presents “Yule be guessing” (circa 215 AD) –> Slide 3

Julebukking is the best:

  • Disguise ourselves in masks and costumes
  • Carry dead goat’s head in honor of Thor
  • Visit neighbors
  • Scare shit out of them ’till they give us mead.

Origen presents “Nativity schmativity” (circa 245 AD) –> Slide 1

  • Christ is not like some pharaoh
  • Only sinners celebrate birthdays
  • Do you want to be a sinner?

King Richard II presents “Pig out with the Plantagentents!” (circa 1377 AD) –> slide 12

Christmas feast includes:

  • 28 oxen
  • 300 sheep
  • 2000 chickens
  • 1 Yule boar.

Thomas Nast presents “Fat Santa” (circa 1863) –> slide 3

  • Harper’s wants a Santa Claus illustration
  • Everyone else draws him like some emaciated string bean
  • I’m going to make him a fat jolly bastard.
Beautiful photo by Peter Bowers. He has nothing to do (that we know of) with Alltop. Originally published December 2007.

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Pope Leo X Edition)

Pope Leo XLeo X Rejoices (circa March 11, 1513) –> slide 2

  • It has served us well, this myth of Christ.
  • God has given us the papacy
  • Let us enjoy it
  • That means party like it’s 1599!

Secretary intimus of Leo X presents a short list of things required for next Papal parade (circa 1514)
–> slide 5

  • 24 tuns of wine
  • 12 panthers
  • 3 jesters
  • plus, Hanno, the white elephant.

Alfonso Petrucci presents “The Pope must die” (circa 1517) –> slide 6

  • Spends too much money on himself
  • Always drunk
  • This “St. Peter’s Basilica” project is also very expensive
  • Not to mention the 6,000 ducats he gave in alms last year.

Leo X presents “What to do with a problem like Petrucci?” –> slide 2

  • Follow his co-conspirators
  • Wouldn’t it be terrible if they all caught fatal “food poisoning”?
  • Oh, and let’s strangle Alfonso.

Leo X presents Bull! (circa 1520) –> slide 1

  • Exsurge Domine
  • Luther must retract 41 of 95 theses
  • Or be excommunicated
  • (Christians must be taught to cherish excommunications rather than to fear them.)

Leo X presents “It’s good to be Pope” (circa 1521) –> slide 7

  • So what if Luther burned my Bull?
  • We’ll burn heretics like him.
  • Can someone do something about all these mosquitoes?
Alltop and like funny hats too. Pope Leo X, b. December 11, 1475, d. December 1, 1521 (of malaria). x Originally published, Dec. 2006.

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Henri Bergson Edition)

Henri Bergson, wearing a silly hatTime and Free Will (circa 1889)
–>slide 99

  • human experience is a continuous flow
  • not events in succession, as physics would have it
  • time is experienced as duration
  • so it can seem longer than it is
  • like this lecture.

Laughter (circa 1901) –>slide 3

  • laughter is a corrective process that makes society possible
  • we laugh at people who do not adapt to needs of society
  • the comic always has something mechanical in something living
  • similar to this essay.

An Introduction to Metaphysics (circa 1903) –>slide 9

  • intuition not analysis reveals the real world
  • intuition transports you to the interior of an object and allows you to know what is inexpressible about it
  • such as, what is happening within the confines of my silly hat.
Alltop and both have an intuition that laughter is an infectious process. I was reminded of Henri Bergson while watching a documentary about Monty Python last week. Originally published in 2006.

The Lost Power Point Slides (Edgar Rice Burroughs Edition)

Presentation of Oeuvre (slides one through five)

The plot that time forgot -- image of t-rex

A Princess of Mars (first book in John Carter of Mars series)

  • Disaffected ne’er-do-well white man rescues savage and extremely naked princess
  • Along the way, he learns her language, fights strange creatures, and proves his superiority
  • Then he gets it on with her.

Tarzan of the Apes (first book in Tarzan series)

  • White child raised by apes becomes a noble and mostly naked savage
  • He meets Jane, a beautiful English woman, and must save her
  • Along the way he learns her language, fights dangerous creatures and proves his superiority
  • Get back to England. He gets it on with her.

At the Earth’s Core (first book in Pellucidar series)

  • Idealistic white hero David Innes must rescue savage and sexy Dian from flying dinosaur-like hominds
  • Along the way, he learns her language, fights strange creatures, and proves his superiority
  • Then they get it on.

Pirates of Venus (first book in Venus Series series)

  • Idiotic white hero tries to fly to Mars and ends up in Venus
  • He falls in love with Venusian princess (who is in her voluptuous way a barbarian)
  • Along the way, he learns her language, fights strange creatures, and proves his superiority
  • Then she blows his mind, that tart.


Alltop and are the ugly savages that ERB’s hero is about to kick the crap out of. In honor of ERB: I read most of his books when I was a kid, until I figured out it was the same story over and over again. Little did I know that is the secret to success in the literary world. Artwork based on photo by lechatmachine. Originally published in September, 2005. Seriously.

The Lost Power Point Slides (Frankenstein Edition)

Frankenstein's MonsterVictor Frankenstein Presents Whack-Job Theory (slide 1)

  • Take dead body parts and stitch together
  • Stick electrodes in
  • Charge with massive jolt of lightning
  • Of course it’s obscene, I’m Victor Frankenstein!

Victor Frankenstein Presents “What was I thinking?” (slide 6)

  • Man, I must be nuts, but then again, I am Victor Frankenstein
  • Creature was brutal to look at
  • Plus, it just killed my brother
  • Oh, now it’s killed my best friend
  • And my newlywed wife.

The Monster Presents the Concept of “Fire” (only slide)

  • Anngh! Anghhhh!
  • Baaad!

The Monster Explains Itself to Frankenstein(slide 2)

  • Actually, old boy, you really made me feel quite unwanted
  • Remember when you animated me, and I smiled at you, and you ran screaming from the lab in horror?
  • Yes, that was when I decided to ruin your life.
  • When did I learn to speak? Oh, between murdering your brother and your best friend I went to college. (I majored in communications.) and Alltop are also grotesque monstrosities that you should fear. Thanks to bbaltimore for the photo.