I dunno, I don’t want to bias the poll, but I was surprised not to see flames coming off this thing. More of the 47 Signs of the Apocalypse here.
Tag Archives | humor
Lucidiva™ — Side effects
Common side effects include heavy breathing, panting, hyperventilation, lack of peripheral vision, excessive screaming, painful hearing and nasal discharge that may look like rice pudding. Sorry, but it happens.
You should probably enjoy flatulence if you want to take this drug, unless you live at an even-numbered address, in which case, expect projectile vomiting on an hourly basis. Married men can expect long periods of impotence, though we have not conclusively proved this is because of the drug.
Single men in the company of nuns should be ready for painful, humiliating bouts of extreme priapism. Women will want to have a razor handy. (For the excessive hair growth, not for dealing with priapism.)
If you’re thinking about taking this drug while driving, just stop right there. Also, most people taking this drug find themselves incapable of walking, crawling or singing the works of Cole Porter. Gershwin is ok.
Rare side effects include basket weaving, syncopated urination, frequent urination, explosive urination and occasionally, urination. We recommend you set up an IV BEFORE you take your first dose.
Speaking of your first dose, when you begin taking Lucidiva™, you will experience a clarity of thought and eloquence of speech that makes President Obama look like his predecessor. We apologize to everyone trying to take an MBA, but clearly Lucidiva™ is not for you.
If your skin begins to strobe, consult your physician. If you fingernails burst into flame, put them out, but not with water. That will not work. Trust us on this. Use baking powder, or some kind of halon system. Just hold your breath. If you happen to inhale halon while taking Lucidiva™ we cannot be held responsible. Just make sure your will is up to date.
Very rarely, patients experience visions of aliens, talking monkeys and sometimes, angels. If the latter, it is acceptable to consult a priest.
Finally, if you see the bird, don’t try to talk to it. Don’t even look —
Alltop has heard the bird is the word.
Appeared on Grasping for the Wind on October 8.
Vote! Vintage Ads of Fictional Futures
I managed to get the gallery down to a shortlist of six. You can vote below, or visit the gallery to see all the entries. (Highly recommended — there is some incredibly creative and wonderful work there.)
Feel free to tell me what an idiot I am for my choice of six in the comments!
Voting is open until October 11th.
Alltop forgot to enter.
Want cyborg teddy!
Early efforts at creating a human-machine hybrid were unsuccessful.
The subject did not gain any of the benefits of cyborgism — extended lifespan, bone-crushing strength, heightened mental faculties — and in the process, the computer used to augment the human was compromised. (Thereafter all the programmers could do was get it to do was ask for its “ba-ba”.)
Up side: misbehaving children were much easier to control. Down side, this strict control required a lax attitude towards explosive incontinence. (Not even a three-foot stack of towels could contain it.)
Alltop has no excuses for its EI. Frightening photo via Twisted Vintage. (Not necessarily safe for work.)
Ask General Kang: How can I get more respect?
It depends on how much respect you’re looking for, really. I mean, if you just want your friends, family and neighbours to respect you then it should be pretty easy.
From what I can see, your smaller primate groupings here on Earth tend to respect strength of character, kindness and consideration of others. So for starters, stop acting like a pretentious wanker, insufferable know-it-all, or complete douchebag. (People usually lose respect for individuals for one of those reasons.)
But if you’re looking for respect from a larger grouping of primitive hominids (that’s you, humans) — let’s say from the size of a corporation up to the size of a nation — this will require power too.
For my money, nothing says power like a phalanx of Über-Chimps decked out in gold spandex and helmets that look like the business end of a whale phallus. Oh, and they have to be toting plasma weapons too, or the look just doesn’t work. Unfortunately, all your backwards planet seems to think plasma is good for making televisions show crappy content in higher definition.
So, give your primitive technology I’d start building a thermonuclear weapon right now, and some kind of delivery system. (No one would expect a llama.)
My advice is to test it on a holiday weekend for maximum impact.
Next Time: I’ve read somewhere that time dilates near the event horizon of a black hole. Does that feel anything like my early morning Intro to Psychology class?
Alltop is a singularity of humor. Originally published, oh, let’s say … before.
Beat this video, man
Love this! I defy you not to smile as you’re watching it. Happy Friday!
Via Retrogasm.