Ye Old Skwib | Page 194

Professor Quippy: Fly the Freaky Skies

By Mark A. Rayner on June 19, 2007 in Odd Science

professor quippy As if I wasnâ€™t already freaked out about flying, a report from University of New South Wales, Australia says pilots are being poisoned by their planes.

According to the lead researcher, Susan Michaelis:

Compressed air is routinely drawn off engines and supplied to aircraft cabins. If the seal inside the engine is not secure, engine oil can leak into the cabin and contaminating air with toxic tricresyl phosphate (TCP).

What? Compressed air is drawn off the engines? What engineer thought that was a good idea?

Now, if instead of engine oil there was some other kind of oil, that design decision might make more sense. You know what Iâ€™m talkinâ€™ about, the kind that induces a desire for Twinkies and Doritos at three in the morning.

Then the passengers might not be as stressed about their toxic pilots.

New Scientist story here

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Waterloo Edition)

By Mark A. Rayner on June 18, 2007 in The Lost PowerPoints

Wellington’s frank presentation of facts to staff (June 17, 1815) –> slide 3

Taken Quatre Bras
Prussians lost at Ligny
So, we’re buggered if we stay at Quatre Bras
I guess it’s Waterloo then.

Wellington gives restrained and proper speech before the battle (June 18, 1815) –> slide 2

I say, let’s give Bonny a good thrashing
Pip, pip, and so on.

Wellington encourages generals –> slide 4

Certainly, Napoleon is worth 40,000 extra troops
Have no clear idea where Blucher and the bloody Prussians are
On the other hand, I don’t know what effect our troops will have upon the enemy, but, by God, they frighten me.

Uxbridge reports to Wellington on how the heavy cavalry charge went –> slide 6

The Household Brigade smashed through cuirassiers
Destroyed Aulard’s Brigade
Uh, then they kept going…
So, Union Brigade bashed Bourgeois’s brigade
Um, then they kept going …

Uxbridge reports to Wellington on how the heavy cavalry charge went –> slide 7

And then Napoleon counter-attacked
So, the upshot is, we’re out of heavy cavalry.

Blucher presents “now vat you say?” –> slide 2

So here ve are, you poxy Frenchman
Ya, here on your right flank
Now who is crapping their lederhosen?

Napoleon presents “bugger” –> slide 6

Take time to deliberate, but when the time for action has arrived, stop thinking and go in
Also applies to running away
Perhaps I start again in America.

More Bonny Fun:
Napoleon Headsquisher
The Lost PowerPoints (Napoleonic Edition)
The Battle of Waterloo, June 18, 1815 [wiki]

Carnvivial

By Mark A. Rayner on June 17, 2007 in General Skwib

A few distractions for Father’s Day. I hope it’s as beautiful where you are as it is here in SW Ontario.

The originally organized and well-written Military History Carnival has some fine reading, including this thought-provoking (or perhaps just provocative) post on the myth of the English longbow.

And for a little furry fun, head over to the Friday Ark.

For a more insane diversion, may we present the excellent Carnival of the Insanities.

Toulouse Le Grandfig in the Land of the Future

By Mark A. Rayner on June 15, 2007 in Skwibby fiction, Toulouse Le Grandfig

Toulouse Le Grandfig in the Land of the Future

In 1933, Toulouse Le Grandfig disappeared.

To this day, no one has ever documented where he was or what he was actually doing, but it is worth noting that his collection of photos and stories, “The Land of the Future” was published the next year by Placenta Press (Paris). In his short autobiography, “Burning Monkey Tales”, he claimed that he travelled to the future, where he witnessed (and recorded) all kinds of wonders:

“After my morning grapefruit-and-sandpaper ablutions, it was customary for me to dogpaddle upstream to visit my ancient hominid ancestors in Paris. But on that particular day, I was caught in a maelstrom — a whirlpool of such savagery that my cufflinks all but ate my eyebrows — and I must have blacked out from the pain. When I awoke, I found myself in a world as alien as mustardseed ungulate pie … the Land of the Future.”

Of course, this was typical Grandfigian hyperbole, but there are still no satisfactory scientific explanation for how he came to take some of the photographs in this collection.

Our selection from this groundbreaking work includes the following:

The Carnival of Satire (#76)

By Mark A. Rayner on June 14, 2007 in Carnival of Satire

The Carnival of Satire #76 The 76th edition is here, and was it worth the wait. There is all kinds of satire in this week’s carnival, some delicately understated and some as subtle as a ball peen hammer to the head. We hope you enjoy it all (or at least survive it.)

Joe is looking forward to that day that Wal-Mart does Colonosopies. You can almost hear the Greeters snapping on the latex gloves!

Gavin R. Putland has an edgy satire in the Corporate solution to rape.

Ahistoricality found this uber-satire about autism, tasty citrus drinks, and cat-stroking evil geniuses: The pharma conspiracy acts against a threat.

Speaking of conspiracies, Jeremy has word of a Potatoey Plot.

Cato explains the source of his hunting prowess: “Everything I know about killing I learned from Tony Soprano”.

Taking catblogging to a new level, Alosyius discovered this short (3 min) film: A Puurfect Love. It’s set in Paris, but for some reason the human actors are Scandinavian. (It stars Jixie Junie, who is a cat, not a starlet from the “horizontal entertainment industry”).

Red Jenny is worried about the coming White Woman’s Burden.

Plebian has parsed the Life Cycle of Junk Science.

Um, you may not want to read this one, if you’re squeamish. Joseph Qelqoth has a political review of Margaret Thatcher. We’re still not quite sure how she was cooked, but it sounds kind of icky. Continue Reading →

Ask General Kang: I read yesterday the Pentagon experimented with a ‘gay bomb’ — do you have a favorite non-lethal weapon?

By Mark A. Rayner on June 13, 2007 in Ask General Kang, Monkeys!

Ask General Kang Seriously, a ‘gay bomb’? My guess is they got to the testing stage and discovered that making soldiers sexually irresistible to one another actually made them more efficient, vicious killers. Clearly, none of the officers running the project had ever read about Alexander the Great and his “light in the sandals” legion.

On my home planet of Neeknaw, one of my best fighting units was the Balletic Death Brigade. We recruited from the ranks of chimps proficient in the arts of ice dancing and ballet, and boy, they were scary. Especially when you told them the enemy had seen their last routine and given them a “3”.

Generally speaking, I’m not interested in non-lethal weapons, but I suppose they have their uses, particularly for crowd control.

Amplified kazoo music is brutal, and I once knew a bonobo who could drop a room full of Gorilloids-with-Fezes with his atonal rendition of “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina.”

Next time: Is it possible that my car keys have fallen through a wormhole and ended up in a parallel universe, or should I check under the couch?

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