Tag Archives | robots

PM discloses previously hidden agenda

Beer robotOTTAWA (The Skwib) — In a media conference this morning, Prime Minister Stephen Harper surprised pundits and announced that the next budget would include massive tax breaks and grants the Canadian high-tech and brewing industries.

“We must close the beer-robot gap as quickly as possible,” Harper told the assembled reporters.

When asked why this was in any way important, Harper produced the Japanese brewer Asahi’s new beer-pouring robot, “Mr. Happy Fun Drinking Device”. The robot opened a beer and poured it into a glass.

Harper did not drink the beer, but instead left it on the stage floor, near the front, where The Skwib reporter was sitting.

“It’s vital that Canada maintain a strong presence in the beer-robot industry, indeed, the entire high-tech alcoholic beverage industry,” Harper said. “We’ve also heard of Austrian robots that can mix a good margarita.”

When asked if he didn’t already have enough to worry about, the possibility of his budget not passing, a vote of non-confidence, the fact that he was an uptight control-freak, and so on, Harper said the new tax breaks and grants might actually help with some of the other problems facing the government.

“Yes, there are incentives to make these new beer-robots multifunctional. If anyone in the aerospace industry can make these fly, and patrol the Canadian artic, then we’ll really have something.”

He said that loaded with Canadian beer, this kind of robot would be excellent at deterring the American navy from encroaching on Canadian artic sovereignty.

“A few large-sized Canadian beers should be enough to disrupt most operations on any American sub,” Harper said, adding that it is well-known most American beer is “like having conjugal relations in a canoe.”

Mr. Harper ignored The Skwib when we asked if Mr. Happy Fun Drinking Device had any peanuts to go with the beer.

Alltop loves it some Bud. Originally published in January 2006. Seriously. Crazy, right? Rewritten, but still inspired by: Asahi’s beer-serving robot

Eventually, you’re going to need a robo-nun

Eucrecia is fitted for her new exoskeletonEucrecia was pretty exciting about her transformation into a Happy Ending Pleasure Bot, but the nice men at Nazi-Works 3000 were having problems with the fittings.

It was delicate work. The cavity extruder was just barely powerful enough to fit Eucrecia into the chest exoskeleton and having carefully examined her lady bits, the scientists were unsure if the standard accouterments would work.

Sister Mary Hand Job was experienced at this kind of thing. Besides, she was an enthusiastic amateur cyborgier, and the nunnery was running low on fresh ovaries.

Alltop is a tiny and polite human. Image shamelessly ripped off from Fengtastic, and I have no idea where they found it.

Helping the constabulary with their inquiries

Danger, danger Will RobinsonAt first he fought he was nicked, didn’he?

He fought, “‘allo, what’s ol’ bill comin’ round me jam jar for?”

Then he learned, didn’he? Ol’ Bill knew all about that Docta’ Smif fellow, right? ‘Ow ‘e were always ‘angin’ around that little bugga’ Will and ‘is feckin’ constant questions. “Wot’s that robot? Are we lost robot? Can you open this can of spam robot?” Feckin’ constant they were.

So, is just seemed natural to frame up that boy-hungry Docta’, weren’t it? In short, the plan were werkin’. He just had to rememba’ to vaporize all the bodies and then he’d be well clear of the Eartha Kitt.

Alltop and humor-blogs.com are increasingly concerned about the toaster uprising. Photo via Strange Ink. Language is a cyber-simulacrum of Cockney rhyming slang.

Carnival of Satire (#114)

The Carnival of Satire (#114)Welcome to the futuristic edition of the Carnival of Satire, where we take the old carnival form and kit it out with rocket boots, heat rays and robotty goodness. From now on, we’ve changed the carnival submission policy. If you’d like to submit to the next carnival, keep in mind that we would like you to find someone else’s satire. Give us your URL too, so we can credit you. (So it’s altruistic, but you still get a link.) More details are at the Carnival of Satire page. And please, remember we’re looking for satire.

Let us being our journey to The Astounding World of the Future. This hilarious YouTube mashup takes old newsreel-style narration and runs it over suspect footage; it’s hard to understand why the narrator is so happy, but it sure is funny: “The little lady of the future will no longer slave over the stove to prepare her hubby’s meals. She’ll use a heat-ray oven.” [Grumpy person nukes hot pocket.] The “picture phone” bit floored me. Watch here or the embedded video below. Thanks to Flarf for finding this gem.

YouTube Preview Image

Over at Fengtastic!, we can see how easily we get used to the conveniences of the Internet, our technology of the future: Hortense overdoes the Internet

While not from the future, LOBO is as freaky as the future, though I found his worries about Home-Grown Terrorists fairly sensible.

Personally, I don’t see why humans can’t marry robots either. (BTW, I think we should all make every effort to pronounce the word “roebut”, like they did in the 40s.) Speaking of marrying robots, you should be careful of Wanda, at least on your wedding night.

When it comes to creating spoofy poetry, Madeleine Begun Kane is a machine: The “We Did Nothing Wrong, & Nancy Should Have Stopped Us” Song.

Scunt (hey that’s their name) has a frightening report about A new drug that’s claiming millions of lives.

Carl Milsted takes us to the present and informs us about Obama’s Massive New Subsidies for the Rich.

Chris has karate irony: The Devil’s Dictionary of Martial Arts.

Davidwilliams presents Satire Patch: CHINESE ADMIT FEEDING PRISONERS TO TILAPIA.

Banquet Manager presents World History Lesson: Conservative vs Liberal.

And to take us back to the future, in particular, the rapture for nerds, Rick is waiting for the singularity and listening to The Very Model of a Modern Singularitarian. [YouTube clip].

And that’s it for the 114th edition. Thanks to these fine folks for helping us with webby-stuff: the Blog Carnival for their form; and the listings at the Ubercarnival, Ferdy’s permanent floating ping festival, and for the listings at the Blog Carnival too. Also, you may find some satire here if you poke around a bit. Here too. Thanks to Richard Scott for his awesome robot cartoon.

Elegant Robot Week

cyborg looking scaryAs we approach the end of 2008 and start to get excited about all the new and exciting things that are going to happen in 2009 — will there be a depression? Can Obama possibly live up to expectations? Will Canada have YET ANOTHER federal election or will Canadians just say “fuck it” and hire a phalanx of baby-seal clubbers to execute our political class? (If we do, I’m going to suggest we replace their clubs with tack-studded waffle bats and high-voltage stainless steel probes that are designed to be “inserted”.)

Few people realize that 2009 is also the year in which the robotics industry really gets going, in its lead up to the technological singularity (and own redundancy). So, I say we celebrate robots this week. (Not necessarily elegant robots, but I like the idea that an elegant robot is possible, even though it’s not.)

For example, the Texter 8000 is anything but:

The Texter 8000

Are you like me, wondering what AFDN means?

More excellent (and humorous) robots can be found at ExtraLife’s 42 Robots Project. And don’t tell anyone, but I suspect Alltop and humor-blogs.com are some kind of technologically supported uber-funny human societies.