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Professor Quippy: Drunken Pedestrian Bocce Ball

By on July 25, 2008 in General Skwib, Odd Science

Professor QuippyIs it possible to play bocce ball with a crowd of inebriated Welshman?

Simon Moore at the University of Cardiff in the UK and his colleagues believe so, and they’ve done the research to discover how to set up just such a game.

They have created a model to demonstrate how a herd of Taffys behaves as it spills onto the streets after an evening of metheglin, real cider and conversation in four-part harmony. According to the New Scientist:

The team made 24 visits to Cardiff city centre between 11pm and 3am on Friday and Saturday nights, breathalysing people and monitoring their gait. Of the high number of drinkers around, they found that a round 25 per cent were staggering.

The team factored this information into their simulation, then ran simulations with crowds in varying states of inebriation trying to make their way through a narrow alleyway to three different destinations.

(I’m still trying to figure out how you have three destinations in an alleyway — presumably there is only two ways in or out, unless the Welsh are capable of limited flight, and can go up as well.) Anyway, they discovered that the extremely drunken crowds didn’t flow very well, especially the crowd where David Evans (or was it Jones?) was coating most of the alley in a toxic mix of Campari and Welsh rarebit.

They hope their research will lead them to creating better streetscapes to deal with such situations. If successful, they then hope to do something about the yobs in London.

Here is what a model of the sober crowd looks like:

No Drunk!

And the 50% drunk crowd:

Half Drunk!

Now, here is the 100% drunk crowd:
All Drunk!

You can find the actual animations here, the New Scientist story here (you’ll need a subscription to read the whole thing), alltop here and humor-blogs.com here, where you can vote for this post, if you feel so inclined.

“Taking the Waters”

By on July 21, 2008 in But is it art?, Odd Science

Miracle Diet -- Tapeworms!

I found this old ad via Donklelephant, via Fark (yeah, sometimes I’m weak). I love the sales features: no diet, no bath, no exercise! –Wait, no bath?

I’m sure they mean the notion of “Taking the Waters” for weight loss and the curing of other ailments. This quaint European custom is still practiced today in such places as Karlovy Vary (Carlsbad) and Baden Baden (literally, Bath Bath). If you’ve never had the opportunity to “Take the Waters” I’d recommend keeping it that way. Generally speaking, the “Waters” are loaded with sulphates, sulphides and other combinations of salts that will make you wish you we never born.

I stayed at one spa that had telephones in the toilet (restroom or bathroom for all us North Americans). When I checked in, my thought was, “what the hell? Who makes a call when they’re on the crapper?” Then I “Took the Water” and a few hours later, while attempting to eject all the major organs in my body cavity through an opening clearly not designed for such use, I understood.

“Ah, the phone is there in case I need to call for a paramedic. Or perhaps to dictate my Last Will and Testament.”

Seriously, walk around Karlovy Vary, and you’ll be able to spot the people who are “Taking the Waters” and who have already learned why there are phones in the toilets. They’re the ones shambling around like zombies (the slow, dopey kind), clutching their little porcelain cups to their chests, dreaming that one day, they will have visited all of the evil sulphur springs in town — consumed the vile, spurting aquia wretchia, and then they will be done, “Taking the Waters”. With any luck, they will die before having one last go at the room with the other porcelain instrument of torture (and phone).

So, yeah, tapeworms. If I can avoid the “baths”, why not?

If you enjoyed this, or found it revolting, or it made you feel all squingy, why not let everyone know?

You may continue your quest to find the funniest blog at humor-blogs.com, or perhaps alltop. But you’ll just come back here…

Professor Quippy: NASA is taking the piss

By on July 20, 2008 in Odd Science

Professor QuippyFlush with the success of their most recent Mars mission, NASA is now planning on taking humans to the Red Planet. And they’re starting by collecting urine. Roughly eight gallons a day.

This massive pee-hoard will help contractors test a new toilet for the Orion space exploration vehicle. (Which is going to the moon, not Mars, but you have to break up big jobs into little dribs and drabs.) Apparently, the copious amount of wee-wee is needed because it is difficult to “fake” urine. (Talk to my ex-wife, she could fake anything.)

The request for massive amounts of piddles and widdles was sent in a memo to the workers at the Johnson Space Center, and was not intended for dispersal to the entire globe via the Internet, but the Genie is out of the bottle, so to speak.

So far, NASA officials have concentrated (not too much, we hope, and we certainly hope they weren’t eating asparagus), on why they need so much for their testing, in hopes that we will not be able to see through their cloudy, noxious yellow schemes.

You see, the flight to Mars will require the astronauts to be completely self-sufficient, and part of that means they will not be able to waste anything. (Yes, pun intended.) That will include, you guessed it, pee. Somehow, they’re going to have to figure out a way to recycle everything they can, so no doubt there will be more calls for large numbers of NASA workers to “see a man about a horse”, while they test those systems too. So all you would-be astronauts, keep in mind that your journey to Mars will include about eight months of drinking your own (and that of your capsule-mate’s) … uh, recycled liquid wastes.

So you see, Grimshaw was only ahead of his time. [I could not find the YouTube clip of the Python Sketch, so the script is below.]

And if you’re dying to know how one powder’s one’s nose in space, Canadian astronaut, Chris Hadfield tells all (and I guarantee you’re never going to look at shooting stars the same way after you watch this):

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[link to Chris Hadfield video explaining “elimination in space”]

Donate your own opinion about this post here.

Other funny blog posts are at humor-blogs and alltop. Sky report here. And now for something completely different:


A hospital lobby. A line of people are being ushered through. A sign says ‘Blood Donors’ with an arrow in the direction they’re all going. Mr Samson (John Cleese) is in a white coat.

Samson: Blood donors that way, please.

Donor: Oh thank you very much (joins the line).

Samson :Thank you. [Grimshaw (Eric Idle) comes up to him and whispers in his ear, Samson looks at him, slightly surprised] What? [Grimshaw whispers again] No. No, I’m sorry but no. [Grimshaw whispers again] No, you may not give urine instead of blood. [Grimshaw whispers again] No, well, I don’t care if you want to. [Grimshaw whispers again] No. There is no such thing as a urine bank.

Grimshaw: Please.

Samson: No. We have no call for it. We’ve quite enough of it without volunteers coming in here donating it.

Grimshaw: Just a specimen.

Samson: No, we don’t want a specimen. We either want your blood or nothing.

Grimshaw: I’ll give you some blood if you’ll give me…

Samson: What?

Grimshaw: A thing to do some urine in.

Samson: No, no, just go away please.

Grimshaw: Anyway, I don’t want to give you any blood.

Samson: Fine, well you don’t have to, you see, just go away.

Grimshaw: Can I give you some spit?

Samson: No.

Grimshaw: Sweat?

Samson: No.

Grimshaw: Earwax?

Samson: No, look, this is a blood bank – all we want is blood.

Grimshaw: All right, I’ll give you some blood. He holds out a jar full of blood.

Samson: Where did you get that?

Grimshaw: Today. It’s today’s.

Samson: What group is it?

Grimshaw: What groups are there?

Samson: There’s A…

Grimshaw: It’s A. Samson (sniffing the blood) Wait a moment. It’s mine. This blood is mine! What are you doing with it?

Grimshaw: I found it.

Samson: You found it? You stole it out of my body, didn’t you?

Grimshaw: No.

Samson: No wonder I’m feeling off-colour. (he starts to drink the blood; Grimshaw grabs the bottle)

Grimshaw: Give that back. It’s mine.

Samson: It is not yours. You stole it.

Grimshaw: Never.

Samson: Give it back to me.

Grimshaw: All right. But only if I can give urine.

Samson: …Get in the queue.

Professor Quippy: Women Dig the Evil Triad, Baby

By on June 23, 2008 in Odd Science

Professor QuippyResearch now confirms what I’ve always suspected.

Women may say they want their men to be open, kind and loving, but in reality, it pays to be a little more evil.

Two recent studies show that men with the “dark triad” of personality traits, have much greater success at “short-term mating” (which is how a scientist describes gettin’ some.) What are the “dark triad?” According to the New Scientist, they are: ” the self-obsession of narcissism; the impulsive, thrill-seeking and callous behavior of psychopaths; and the deceitful and exploitative nature of Machiavellianism.”

Okay gents, if you exhibit these traits all the time, eventually, you’ll find yourself getting tar-and-feathered, sent to prison, or becoming the leader of your country. It’s all a matter of degree. However, if you have just a bit of these naughty and let’s face it — extremely sexy behaviors — then you’ll find yourself doing much better with the ladies.

Peter Jonason at New Mexico State University, who headed one of the studies, likens this set of traits (set to “low evil”) to James Bond: “He’s clearly disagreeable, very extroverted and likes trying new things – killing people, new women. Just as Bond seduces woman after woman, people with dark triad traits may be more successful with a quantity-style or shotgun approach to reproduction, even if they don’t stick around for parenting. The strategy seems to have worked. We still have these traits,” Jonason says.

Of course, this is a short-term strategy for spreading genetic material (that’s how a scientist describes busting a nut) and does not guarantee a successful long-term relationship. So all the dark triad blokes are going to end up as that creepy old guy sitting at the pub, telling young women he used to be in the SAS and can kill a man with one punch.

Now if only someone would do a study explaining why women dig the evil triad so much.

The dark triad here at The Skwib are Insanity, Godlessness and humor. Twice. You can find the New Scientist story here.

Professor Quippy: Coffee won’t kill me!

By on June 18, 2008 in Odd Science

Professor QuippyUnlike many other health studies, which indicate the long list of bad behaviours, addictions and quasi-illegal activities that make up my day-to-day activities will likely kill me, or at least, turn me into a brain-craving zombie (though we prefer “formerly living person”), there was good news out of the Autonomous University of Madrid yesterday. (Not to be confused with the Autoerotic University of Madrid.)

It turns out that coffee is not a killer, and if you drink enough of it, that morning java may actually extend your life. You heard me right! Something that tastes good and gives you a buzz could lengthen your lifespan.

According to the New Scientist:

“The study tracked 129,000 men and women over two decades. It found that people who consumed several cups of coffee every day were less likely to die of heart disease than those who shied away from the stuff. Heart disease is an umbrella term for conditions including heart attacks, stroke, and arrhythmia.”

Woo-hoo! But the usual caveats apply. Don’t start an IV drip of the stuff or drinking coffee instead of sleeping. Be sensible people.

I’m sure there will be more studies, such as the one that showed coffee turns you into a pussy, but I’ll take the any news that allows me to maintain my degenerate lifestyle when I can get it.

Humor-blogs.com drinks just enough to keep their edge, while Alltop is clearly working with some other substance. You can find the full New Scientist story at their site.

Professor Quippy: One step closer to the monkey singularity

By on June 2, 2008 in Monkeys!, Odd Science

Professor QuippyScientists had a major breakthrough in the quest to achieve the technological singularity last week, as researchers at the University of Pittsburgh demonstrated robotic-armed killer monkeys.

Actually, they were using the robotic arms to eat bits of banana and marshmallows (the monkeys, not the scientists). According to the New Scientist: “The feat marks the first time a brain-controlled prosthetic limb has been wielded to perform a practical task.”

The rhesus monkeys were trained to use the arms with a joystick, and then their arms were restrained and they had to use their brains to control the devices. One of the monkeys was successful 61 percent of the time, and would often reach for another treat while he was chewing on the one he just got. (And with a 39 percent failure rate, I can see why. Poor little bugger was probably starving — not to mention a complete lack of protein in his diet.)

Robotic Pirate MonkeyNo word yet on what happened on those occasions when the treat did not get into the mouth of the monkey, but Rufus, the less successful at using the arms, was seen wandering the University of Pittsburg campus with an eye patch.

Getting us closer to the pirate singularity. (Pictured at right.)

You can read the story at the New Scientist Tech blog. More things accomplished by monkeys can be found here and here. Details about the Technological Singularity [wiki] are best ignored. Video evidence to follow:

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