Tag Archives | satire

Economies of Despair: Promoting Books with Blogs

Venn Diagram showing economy of despair

Update:

This little Venn Diagram satire was noticed by Sheila at Gawker yesterday, and some self-satisfied, sanctimonious, humorless dork took it upon himself (I’m assuming MisterHippity is male) to correct the “inaccuracy” of my diagram. I’ll admit to not being an expert at creating Venn diagrams, and I sometimes get stumped on those little math quizzes you find when you need to verify you are a human being. However, I can read. And this is a powerful tool.

Having a look through the comments, it’s actually quite funny. He clearly understands the diagram I drew, yet was unable to perceive its humorous intent. You, dear alert readers, will also notice that MrHippity (who clearly isn’t) did not actually recreate the original diagram, because the original third (tiny, anguish-inducing circle) reads: “People who buy books written by bloggers.” (Not “read” as his diagram indicates.)

Here’s his “correct” version:
correct venn diagram of despair

Of course, if this was more truthy, there would be no need for despair, because then promoting a book with a blog would be no problem. I think my version is way funnier. (Plus it has pretty colors and a nice font.)

I will let you be the judge.

Neither this source of humor, nor this one are sanctimonious, though there may be some self-satisfaction going on.

Living off the fat of the land

The Atkins Diet -- Dead by Dawn (pic of skull)As you may have noticed, the author has been somewhat obsessed with news about obesity, fat, losing fat, fitting into one’s pants, and so on. There is a reason, but he’s not sharing. Instead, he thought he would share this Reutars story:

Free liposuction supplies cosmetics entrepreneur

Monday May 13, 2008 8:55 AM ET

SANTA BERNARDO, California (Ruetars) — A plastic surgeon is offering a number of free services, including liposuction, to patients in the northern Californian spa town of Santa Bernardo.

“How can we afford it?” asks Dr. Darryl Lipid, owner of Sebaceous Cosmetics. “Volume. Seriously, part of the deal is based on four people agreeing to the have the procedure at the same time. Until we have our new mass suction lipectomy operating theater built it will be a relatively intimate affair.”

When the new building is ready, up to 24 patients will have their excess fat removed at the same time.

Patients also have to agree to undergo liposuction without the benefit of a local anesthetic.

“Yes. We keep the costs down by performing the lipoplasty without sedatives or anesthesia of any kind,” Lipid told Ruetars. “I won’t lie to you — it’s painful, and harrowing, but for those patients who have some pockets of stubborn fat, it is worth it.”

And what becomes of the “stubborn fat”? It gets used in the products that Sebaceous Cosmetics pedals to the rich clientele of Santa Bernardo.

“Yes, it’s true. Much of the tissue is rendered and used in the creation of our Human Touch cosmetics line. Our customers find Human Touch cosmetics superior to any other top-of-the-line cosmetics product.”

A significant portion of the extracted fat is sent to Germany.

“We have an agreement with a Germany company as well. We do not know what they are doing with the excess tissue, but we have a non-competitive agreement with them, so they are not allowed to use them in cosmetics. As far as I know, Human Touch is the only line designed with actual human tissue — a real breakthrough in the business of looking your best!”

The German company is Die Antropophagia GmbH, which sells foam-in-the-can dessert toppings.

They would not grant Ruetars an interview.

Apparently, there is a way that fat people could save American business (Slate). Humor-blogs.com and alltop never speak of themselves in the third person, though he believes that is a mistake. Now, the reader will apply the lotion. Pic from somethingawful via flamke.

Contest: Vintage Ads of Fictional Futures

Stamps from The Postman

We’re running a contest. The idea is to find a vintage ads (the one pictured above is from an 1975 USPS stamp ad), and then insert a product (or service) from a fictional future (or past) — it can be from a book, movie, TV, etc. The only proviso is that it has to have been written by someone else, so none of your own bizarre fictional futures. It doesn’t have to be as grim (or unlikely) as THE POSTMAN, by the way. If you’re more of an optimistic Star Trek kind of person, then I’m happy to see Oil of Olay ads featuring Warf, or ear-hair trimming systems endorsed by Quark. Or you may be interested in zombies.

Original image. More info about The Postman [wiki]

The Rules:

  1. create your masterpiece
  2. post it to your blog
  3. link to this post (or let me know where it is via email)
  4. wait for the aplomb and/or ridicule of your peers.

What, pray tell is the prize? Well, if you win, you can choose from:

  • a prominent walk-on role in my next novel
  • a copy of THE AMADEUS NET
  • a “mystery” item from within the bowels of my desk.

The second-place winner will choose from the remaining prizes, and the bronze winner gets whatever is left. Worth playing for? The contest will run until (Sunday, April 20).

For more information, you can check out the original contest here. I fully expect most of the wackaloons at humor-blogs.com to enjoy this one, especially the zombiephiles. Note this is not a meme. There are prizes; that makes this a contest, so I don’t want any sword-wielding, hobbit-torturing, cubicle ghosts coming after me.

Vintage ads of fictional futures: a contest

'The Road' Baby FoodI spotted a Photoshop contest that looked like fun, so I thought I’d have a go at it (with a Skwibbish twist, of course.) You can see the results to the right. (Original ad here. Synopsis of THE ROAD here. [wiki]

In the original contest, the idea was to take modern products and display them in a vintage advertising light. (You could reverse that too, but boring.) So, find some vintage ads, and then insert a product from a fictional future — it can be from a book, movie, TV, etc. The only proviso is that it has to have been written by someone else, so none of your own bizarre fictional futures. It doesn’t have to be as grim as THE ROAD, by the way. If you’re more of an optimistic Star Trek kind of person, then I’m happy to see Oil of Olay ads featuring Warf, or ear-hair trimming systems endorsed by Quark.

The Rules:

  1. create your masterpiece
  2. post it to your blog
  3. link to this post (or let me know where it is via email)
  4. wait for the aplomb and/or ridicule of your peers.

What, pray tell is the prize? Well, if you win, you can choose from:

  • a prominent walk-on role in my next novel
  • a copy of THE AMADEUS NET
  • a “mystery” item from within the bowels of my desk.

The second-place winner will choose from the remaining prizes, and the bronze winner gets whatever is left. Worth playing for? The contest will run until (Sunday, April 20).

For more information, you can check out the original contest here. I’ll post a few more ads like THE ROAD baby food in the next week. I fully expect most of the wackaloons at humor-blogs.com to enjoy this one, but just to be sure, I’m going to tag a number of them, just to get the word out. Note this is not a meme. There are prizes, so that makes it a contest, so I don’t want any sword-wielding, hobbit-torturing, cubicle ghosts coming after me. Let the tagging begin, in no particular order: Bagel, Chelle, The Frogster, Brent, Rickey, Diesel, Don, Lobo, Quelqoth, Ellison, Rachel, Jon, Hurty, Alenja, Fiar, Bob, Mr. Snitch!. Finally, thanks to exnovo for the original baby food ad.

Beijing Olympic Mascot Demonstration Sports

Administrative Detention TriathlonReaders who’ve only discovered The Skwib in the past couple of years may have missed the series we’ve done on the Beijing Olympic Mascots, and a number of demonstration sports planned for Beijing this summer.

As we can see from the news, the Chinese government has really started training hard for the second sport:


Administrative Detention Triathlon


Tibetan Dissident Biathlon


Tibetan Dissident Biathalon


50-Meter Land Requisition Event


50-Meter Land Requisition Event


Organ Relay


Organ Relay


Hu Flung Falongong


Who Flung Falongong


Forced Sterilization Footy


Forced Sterilization Footy


Press Clubbing


Press Clubbing

Amnesty International has more (less satirical) information on human rights in China and the Beijing Olympics. This group of humor athletes is training hard for the new demonstration sport: “causing beverage to shoot through the nose”.

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Wacky Ancient Greek Atheist Edition)

Epicurus, the Dude!Anaxagoras of Ionia presents “Hot metal, man” (circa 450 BC) –>slide 6

  • sun is not Helios riding a chariot in the sky
  • it is a blazing ball of metal
  • hot metal, man, hot metal
  • hey, it makes as much sense!

Diagoras the Atheist presents “Miracle, my ass” (circa 415 BC) –> slide 3

  • so this wooden statue prevented ship from sinking?
  • throw it (Herakles) on fire
  • if it can perform miracles, then it should have no problem
  • otherwise, his thirteenth labour shall be to boil my turnips!

Democritus presents “Ungulate theory” (circa 400 BC) –> slide two

  • all things made of atoma (atoms)
  • soul is just an exceedingly fine and spherical kind of atom
  • or perhaps superstition
  • in any case, it’s not that different from a goat.

Socrates presents “Method to my madness” (circa 399 BC) –> last slide

  • you have accused me of atheos (refusing to acknowledge the state gods) and corrupting the youth of Athens
  • it’s a fair cop
  • you should know I’ve been inspired by divine voice, Daemon
  • also, enjoy a nice pint of hemlock.

Epicurus presents “It’s all good — not God — baby” (circa 300 BC) –>slide 12

  • if gods exist (if!) then they’re not interested in humans
  • death is the end of body and soul (if it exists)
  • not to be feared
  • what is good is pleasure, baby, but not too much pleasure
  • why I let women into my philosophy school.

More about the History of Atheism here [wiki] and more ungodly humor here. The disembodied floating head of Epicurus (who rocked) is based on a photo by dithie.